Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
