Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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