I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
