Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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