The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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