He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
