I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
