Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
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I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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