His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All I want is dick and wine.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
