All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
