But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
