you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
