Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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