Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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