i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
