OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
