Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
