my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
