Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
