It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
