i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
