Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
