I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
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My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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