You just made me feel so damn special
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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