Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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