Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
