So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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