You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
