i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
