I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
