every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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