I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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