Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
