Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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