That's intense
What did we do last night that was yellow?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
