I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
