There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
