I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
