So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
