First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
