I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
