my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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