I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
