At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
