don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
