did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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