You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
