I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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