and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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