hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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