I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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