you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
