I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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