that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize