I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
