a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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