I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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