oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
