There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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